Picture courtesy: "Abandoned" by Artemis-Twitches is licensed under CC by 3.0. This article is an update from one I wrote in 2013. I think it's still relevant and something to be revisited.
If I were to ask you to complete the following sentence, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but..." what would you say? I can already hear the giggles and the mumblings that sound something close to "...but whips and chains excite me." Sigh. There's always at least one in the crowd. Most of us, if not all of us, probably heard this well-intentioned phrase recited from various adults who were trying to help us get over a nasty comment made by another kid. But is this the right advice? Does it really help? I say, "NO!" And that's with a big, fat N.O. Read on to learn why this statement, along with some others, is just poppycock - in my humble opinion.
1. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Ooooooooh reeeeaaaaallllly?! Well, I do understand where this statement is going. It's trying to teach us that others' opinions don't really matter. Our opinion of ourselves is what truly matters. Here's the problem. Research has shown that our self-identity is influenced by how we believe others perceive us. In short, if enough people tell me that I'm a loser, then eventually I might start believing it. Julia Wood, author of Communication Mosaics, explains, "When we're around downers, we tend to feel down about ourselves. Reflecting their perspectives, we're more aware of our weaknesses and less confident of what we can accomplish. Downer's discourage belief in ourselves." What does this mean? I’ll tell you. It means that language matters. It's not merely a reflection of what's around us. It actually helps create the reality that exists around us. Let’s be honest here. Sticks and stones can break our bones and words can definitely harm us. So instead of perpetuating the myth, let's help our kids to understand that the words they choose to use do matter. Words can leave bruises just as bad as the sticks and the stones can - just not the visible kind.
2. "If you can dream it, you can do it!" Thanks Jimmy for that little nugget! "Blades of Glory" was an awesome movie wasn't it? When people say this to their kids, do they really understand just how much of a downer it's gonna be for their kids as they get older and reality hits them right between the eyeballs? I (day) dream all the time about what a kick-ass rock chick I could make - especially as I jam out while cruising around town in my BMW. My voice sounds especially awesome in the shower. But guess what? Even if I had the motivation to move to L.A., or Atlanta, or N.Y., and knock down every door of every producer I could find, I still would not be a Haley Williams. That was a Paramore reference by the way (it’s a rock band). In reality, I just don't have the pipes. Perhaps with a lot of practice and a personal vocal coach, I could strive to be better than average. Better than average is not going to make me a rock star. But here's the thing - everybody can't do everything. It's only natural. Some are just naturally better at some things than others. And that is totally okay! We all do have a natural talent at something. The key is finding that something and going for it. My natural talent? Sniffing BS, writing BS, and teaching others how to speak. So instead of pressuring our kids into thinking they have to be the top-dog in everything they do, or telling our kids that they can do anything they want, let’s do them a real service and help them first identify their strengths (their natural talents) so they can reach their true potential.
3. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This has got to be the most egocentric statement of ...well, forever. I have to say it. The Golden Rule is probably the worst relationship advice one could ever give or follow. Before you get all huffy and puffy, hear me out. What happened to individuality? Accepting others…no. Appreciating others for who they are? Understanding that not everybody is alike? And understanding that that’s okay? Well, if you really want to be all "we are the world" and stuff then you have got to get rid of this bogus golden rule. Why? Because not everybody is alike! And everybody is definitely not like you! Here's an example. Let’s say your favorite flower is the orchid. Well, my favorite flower is the daisy, so guess what I’m getting you! Daisies! Your favorite band is One Direction? My favorite band is the Smashing Pumpkins, so guess what tickets I’m buying for you? Pumpkins! You love white chocolate? Well, I like dark chocolate, so guess what! Hugs and PDA make you feel uncomfortable? I’m gonna be all up in your business when we go out then! You probably get the picture by now (hopefully). I’m only following the Golden Rule. How about instead we teach our kids about The Platinum Rule. "Treat others the way they want to be treated." If you want to be a good friend, partner, parent, etc., then you have to learn to put your needs aside. I’m not saying your needs are less important, but I am saying that if you want to be able to strengthen your relationships, then you need to recognize and accept the other person’s individual wants and needs. So before making that next decision regarding where to eat, or what movie to watch, or whether to buy a greeting card or make a home-made one, or to “borrow” some chow out of the community fridge at work, don’t think about what you would like. Think about what the other person would like. Think about how your action will make them feel before taking that action. Relationship saved.
4. "If you wait long enough, good things will happen." I tell you what, while you're waiting for the I'm-Gonna-Make-All-Your-Dreams-Come-True fairy to show up and just make good things happen, I'm going to be outside actually making things happen. I think this saying is supposed to support the "Patience is a virtue" thing, but I don't think it quite hits the mark. After all, the only things that happen when I wait around are the laundry pile gets bigger, the trash starts stinking, and my family gets irritable from being hungry. I think we're better off teaching the young ones that if you wait around long enough, your butt will become numb from not moving. Let's face it. Good things happen when we work for it. Want to be an athlete? You have to train hard and even lose some games to keep getting better. Want to be a musician? You have to practice every day. Make a demo. Get your music out there to be heard - or join the Disney Channel. Want a degree in biochemical engineering? You better study your arse off and make it to every class. The point is, nobody got anywhere by waiting. Nobody has actually achieved anything by waiting. I guarantee you that if you just keep waiting for a good job to miraculously appear, you’re gonna be disappointed. You have to keep moving in order to make things happen. Blast through some walls and leap some tall buildings if you have to. And if you keep moving long enough, good things will eventually happen. It really is amazing how the more you work at something, the “luckier” you will become.
5. “Win! Win! Win!” Whether it’s an academic subject or a sport, not coming in first place is not the end of the world. What is up with putting so much pressure on kids these days? Parents will actually do their children’s homework assignments and science projects for them just so they can get a good grade. I want to ask these parents, “but what did your kids learn from that?” I’ll tell you what they learned. They learned you didn’t have confidence in their ability to do a good job. They learned if they give up, mom and dad will bail them out. They learned to get ahead by doing as little as possible while allowing others to do the work for them. They learned…well, nothing. And as for the sports? Can we just let the kids have some fun? I understand you might have this dream that one day your child will be the #1 draft pick in the NFL, but just in case that doesn’t happen (and likely it won’t), how about just allowing your child to enjoy playing the game itself? I’ve seen more parents yell at their kids about not hitting the ball hard enough, or not throwing the ball far enough, or not catching the ball enough. I’ve seen little children crying because they were tired and didn’t want to do another backflip. I’ve seen exhausted parents racing around town frantically trying to get their kids from wrestling, to baseball, to karate practice…all in one evening. And guess what? The kids were just as miserable as the parents. I agree that it’s good to have kids involved in extracurricular activities. It’s good to encourage kids to do their best. But let’s not lose sight of what’s most important here. And if you’re answer to what’s most important is “winning,” then you’ve completely missed the point…and I feel sorry for your children.
If I were to ask you to complete the following sentence, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but..." what would you say? I can already hear the giggles and the mumblings that sound something close to "...but whips and chains excite me." Sigh. There's always at least one in the crowd. Most of us, if not all of us, probably heard this well-intentioned phrase recited from various adults who were trying to help us get over a nasty comment made by another kid. But is this the right advice? Does it really help? I say, "NO!" And that's with a big, fat N.O. Read on to learn why this statement, along with some others, is just poppycock - in my humble opinion.
1. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Ooooooooh reeeeaaaaallllly?! Well, I do understand where this statement is going. It's trying to teach us that others' opinions don't really matter. Our opinion of ourselves is what truly matters. Here's the problem. Research has shown that our self-identity is influenced by how we believe others perceive us. In short, if enough people tell me that I'm a loser, then eventually I might start believing it. Julia Wood, author of Communication Mosaics, explains, "When we're around downers, we tend to feel down about ourselves. Reflecting their perspectives, we're more aware of our weaknesses and less confident of what we can accomplish. Downer's discourage belief in ourselves." What does this mean? I’ll tell you. It means that language matters. It's not merely a reflection of what's around us. It actually helps create the reality that exists around us. Let’s be honest here. Sticks and stones can break our bones and words can definitely harm us. So instead of perpetuating the myth, let's help our kids to understand that the words they choose to use do matter. Words can leave bruises just as bad as the sticks and the stones can - just not the visible kind.
2. "If you can dream it, you can do it!" Thanks Jimmy for that little nugget! "Blades of Glory" was an awesome movie wasn't it? When people say this to their kids, do they really understand just how much of a downer it's gonna be for their kids as they get older and reality hits them right between the eyeballs? I (day) dream all the time about what a kick-ass rock chick I could make - especially as I jam out while cruising around town in my BMW. My voice sounds especially awesome in the shower. But guess what? Even if I had the motivation to move to L.A., or Atlanta, or N.Y., and knock down every door of every producer I could find, I still would not be a Haley Williams. That was a Paramore reference by the way (it’s a rock band). In reality, I just don't have the pipes. Perhaps with a lot of practice and a personal vocal coach, I could strive to be better than average. Better than average is not going to make me a rock star. But here's the thing - everybody can't do everything. It's only natural. Some are just naturally better at some things than others. And that is totally okay! We all do have a natural talent at something. The key is finding that something and going for it. My natural talent? Sniffing BS, writing BS, and teaching others how to speak. So instead of pressuring our kids into thinking they have to be the top-dog in everything they do, or telling our kids that they can do anything they want, let’s do them a real service and help them first identify their strengths (their natural talents) so they can reach their true potential.
3. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This has got to be the most egocentric statement of ...well, forever. I have to say it. The Golden Rule is probably the worst relationship advice one could ever give or follow. Before you get all huffy and puffy, hear me out. What happened to individuality? Accepting others…no. Appreciating others for who they are? Understanding that not everybody is alike? And understanding that that’s okay? Well, if you really want to be all "we are the world" and stuff then you have got to get rid of this bogus golden rule. Why? Because not everybody is alike! And everybody is definitely not like you! Here's an example. Let’s say your favorite flower is the orchid. Well, my favorite flower is the daisy, so guess what I’m getting you! Daisies! Your favorite band is One Direction? My favorite band is the Smashing Pumpkins, so guess what tickets I’m buying for you? Pumpkins! You love white chocolate? Well, I like dark chocolate, so guess what! Hugs and PDA make you feel uncomfortable? I’m gonna be all up in your business when we go out then! You probably get the picture by now (hopefully). I’m only following the Golden Rule. How about instead we teach our kids about The Platinum Rule. "Treat others the way they want to be treated." If you want to be a good friend, partner, parent, etc., then you have to learn to put your needs aside. I’m not saying your needs are less important, but I am saying that if you want to be able to strengthen your relationships, then you need to recognize and accept the other person’s individual wants and needs. So before making that next decision regarding where to eat, or what movie to watch, or whether to buy a greeting card or make a home-made one, or to “borrow” some chow out of the community fridge at work, don’t think about what you would like. Think about what the other person would like. Think about how your action will make them feel before taking that action. Relationship saved.
4. "If you wait long enough, good things will happen." I tell you what, while you're waiting for the I'm-Gonna-Make-All-Your-Dreams-Come-True fairy to show up and just make good things happen, I'm going to be outside actually making things happen. I think this saying is supposed to support the "Patience is a virtue" thing, but I don't think it quite hits the mark. After all, the only things that happen when I wait around are the laundry pile gets bigger, the trash starts stinking, and my family gets irritable from being hungry. I think we're better off teaching the young ones that if you wait around long enough, your butt will become numb from not moving. Let's face it. Good things happen when we work for it. Want to be an athlete? You have to train hard and even lose some games to keep getting better. Want to be a musician? You have to practice every day. Make a demo. Get your music out there to be heard - or join the Disney Channel. Want a degree in biochemical engineering? You better study your arse off and make it to every class. The point is, nobody got anywhere by waiting. Nobody has actually achieved anything by waiting. I guarantee you that if you just keep waiting for a good job to miraculously appear, you’re gonna be disappointed. You have to keep moving in order to make things happen. Blast through some walls and leap some tall buildings if you have to. And if you keep moving long enough, good things will eventually happen. It really is amazing how the more you work at something, the “luckier” you will become.
5. “Win! Win! Win!” Whether it’s an academic subject or a sport, not coming in first place is not the end of the world. What is up with putting so much pressure on kids these days? Parents will actually do their children’s homework assignments and science projects for them just so they can get a good grade. I want to ask these parents, “but what did your kids learn from that?” I’ll tell you what they learned. They learned you didn’t have confidence in their ability to do a good job. They learned if they give up, mom and dad will bail them out. They learned to get ahead by doing as little as possible while allowing others to do the work for them. They learned…well, nothing. And as for the sports? Can we just let the kids have some fun? I understand you might have this dream that one day your child will be the #1 draft pick in the NFL, but just in case that doesn’t happen (and likely it won’t), how about just allowing your child to enjoy playing the game itself? I’ve seen more parents yell at their kids about not hitting the ball hard enough, or not throwing the ball far enough, or not catching the ball enough. I’ve seen little children crying because they were tired and didn’t want to do another backflip. I’ve seen exhausted parents racing around town frantically trying to get their kids from wrestling, to baseball, to karate practice…all in one evening. And guess what? The kids were just as miserable as the parents. I agree that it’s good to have kids involved in extracurricular activities. It’s good to encourage kids to do their best. But let’s not lose sight of what’s most important here. And if you’re answer to what’s most important is “winning,” then you’ve completely missed the point…and I feel sorry for your children.
